


Personastuck drabble

by Anon_H



Series: Milestone giveaway extravaganza [1]
Category: Homestuck, Persona Series
Genre: Author apologies, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-14
Updated: 2014-11-14
Packaged: 2018-02-25 09:03:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2616137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon_H/pseuds/Anon_H
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So this is a thing. The twist is that Andrew Hussie is actually a godlike being, toying with humanity and trollkind alike. Like we didn't already know.</p><p>John is his own persona, dislodged from time/space. Dave actually has an Arthurian persona called Lionheart [King Arthur Lionheart=Knights or whatever]but I thought this was more fun. Rose has Kassandra, a seer from ancient Greece, cursed by the gods to be believed by no one. Orthus's heads are Jadesprite and Bec. It is horrifying. Raguil is the angel of justice. Karkat gets Gargoyle because it seems ideal for him: it can't bleed. I was very tempted to give him Banshee though. Kanaya has Sylph because duh. Hecate is the goddess of crossroads and death and Othuum is a creature from the Cthullu mythos, which seemed appropriate.</p><p>Panta Rhei is the ultimate windspell, for those not in the know. </p><p>Written for Don-Brainhook</p><p>First entry in the milestone giveaway extravaganza. Check out my tumblr for more <a href="anon--h.tumblr.com">shenanigans</a>.</p></blockquote>





	Personastuck drabble

“All I’m saying is, how hard can it even be?” Dave suggested while running through what resembled a demonic bakery. Monstrous beings with greedy claws and drooling mouths seemed to eat away at the biscuit walls and there was an overwhelming scent of cinnamon in the air. The presence of the monsters made John uncomfortable enough as it was but the fact that the Betty Crocker brand was absolutely everywhere on the biscuit walls and layered-cake-floor was somehow even worse.

“We go in, find Jane and/or her shadow, kick her ass if necessary, get out.” Dave crushed the card bearing the image of a star in his hand, summoning a giant knight in crimson armor, wielding a broken sword. It crushed one of the monsters with its left hand while keeping the others on a distance with his broken blade. John never learned the name of the persona as Dave kept referring to it as Snoop Lion.

“Why do you say it like it’s easy?” Rose sighed exasperated. She broke a card bearing the mark of the hierophant and became engulfed in blue light as she summoned a tall woman with long red hair and a lavender tunic. John had heard Rose call her Kassandra.  
The persona made a slow sweeping motion with her hand to cast hama on one particular hungry monster, which had almost completely buried itself in the layered-cake-floor. In a burst of light the creature disappeared.

“BECAUSE STRIDER LIKES JINXING THE FUCK OUT OF US!” Karkat sneered, tightening the grip around his sickles.”HE FUCKING *KNOWS* IT IS NEVER EASY”. He smashed a card with the image of a lightning-struck Tower on the front with his fists and cried out: “GARGOYLE!” to summon his stone guardian. John rolled his eyes at how dramatic his friend tried to summon his persona. With a roar he commanded the gargoyle to smash the monsters obstructing their path out of the way.

“Oh, quit whining.” Jade commented, riding by on a giant two-headed hound that barked thunder from its mouths. It had a reptilian tail and a mean sneer. John knew it was called Orthrus and that it came from the sun arcana but that didn’t make the beast any less terrifying. “We’ve done this four times already so I think we’ll be fine.”

“Actually Karkat has a point!” Terezi communicated telepathically through her persona. Her persona Raguil was more than capable to hold his own in battle but Terezi drew the short straw when John decided to take Rose into battle and let the troll be mission control this time.”Big surprise, I know.”

“AND FUCK YOU TOO!”

“I think I liked you better when you were just an adorable little crabsuit.”

“SHUT YOUR SPEECH HOLE!”

“Anyway, the weather has been really poor. According to the reports, mist can be setting in any minute now!”

Aradia quietly summoned her own persona Hecate, a solemn, three-headed woman holding a torch and a key to clear the rest of the floor with fire and dark magic. John never really understood why she was given the ‘Death’ arcane and was actually a little scared of the full bodied troll. She seemed to be perfectly aware of his trepidation and seemed to get some enjoyment out of shooting him a slasher smile any time his eyes lingered.  
She creeped him out but not as much as the most recent addition to their team.

“Terezi, how many floors up till we reach Jane?” Feferi held onto her trident with one hand while playing with a card bearing the mark of the empress. She was practically jumping up and down in excitement.  
“Three more floors to go.”  
“Alright! ---EVERYONE GET READY!”  
“NO PLEASE, FUCK NO!”  
With a little skip the chubby troll threw the card in the air and poked through it with her weapon, summoning a creature large enough to fill the entire floor by itself. Othuum was a massive beast and seemed to be made exclusively from tentacles, though the troll had assured John that there was a pretty spooky head in there somewhere. He was in no hurry to find out.

After Feferi’s persona tore open the ceiling with its tentacles, it lifted up the entire team to put them right in front of an incredibly conspicuous door. Terezi confirmed that Jane was waiting behind it. John quickly checked to see if everyone was still alright. Dave and Karkat seemed completely terrified of the experience but the rest seemed determined to see it through. Othuum was a mighty persona but far too massive to be of practical use in combat. At least, not without risking a lot of friendly fire.

After the fight with Feferi’s shadow, John was pretty sure that whatever darkness Jane held inside, it wouldn’t be thát hard to deal with.

“Alright, how are we going to do this?” Jade asked as the mist had all but disappeared from the television world. She reloaded her rifle and waited for the sound of their seer for confirmation.

“Dave and Karkat take frontlines.” Terezi’s voice sounded through their heads.”Jade and Megido provide magic damage, Miss Cantaloupe and Miss Maryam provide healing or magic where appropriate and Feferi can step in as trump card if things go sour. Does that sound okay leader?”

Everyone turned to John for confirmation. Since the first time he accidentally stumbled in the tv-world with Dave and Rose, he had been able to summon his persona without a hitch. He was the only one who didn’t need to confront his shadow self and was the one to help everyone get to accept their darkness. Despite that, he still thought it was very strange when people began calling him leader.

He gave a quiet nod before opening the door.

Jane was already facing her other self, in what appeared to be a CEO’s office. The eerie yellow eyes and the dark aura were a dead giveaway. He expected to find Jane confronting her shadow. What John didn’t expect however was to see the shadow of his pudgy cousin in a revealing negligee. Jane looked back at the group storming in with a horrified expression in her eyes.

“No wait!” she muttered.”This isn’t what it looks like!”

“This is exactly what it looks like.” the shadow purred, striking a seductive pose.”You only WISHED you could seduce Strider like this.”

“Dude.” Dave muttered.

“That isn’t--- Not you!“ Jane protested.

“What would the people even think if the heiress of Crockercorp wanted to look sexy and confident like THIS?!” the shadow chuckled.”Maybe if…..” she bended over a chest. John averted his eyes and tried to cover Dave’s but his friend wouldn’t let him. The shadow had grabbed a horse crop and began licking up its length in a matter that WOULD have been seductive if it wasn’t his cousin doing it. The real Jane meanwhile looked so red John feared she might be getting an aneurysm.

“What do you say Jane?” the shadow asked sultry.”Don’t you want to show Strider how to beat the batter?”

Jane looked desperate at the group and began sputtering embarrassedly, seemingly on the verge of crying.”G-guys…. I swear, this isn’t me! Please, you have to—“

“Too late.” Kanaya sighed.

“What?”

“You jinxed it.”

Before anyone could properly react, a massive red spoon sweeped through the windows of the office, slamming Jane into a wall of the office. With violent rumbling the roof got torn off, revealing a massive troll with horns reaching far into the clouds. Her smile was malevolent and her breath reeked of the sea. Her eyes flashed in a variety of colors and her hair was so massive it blackened the sky. In her hands she wielded a giant red fork and an equally giant red spoon.

“Rose!” John cried, looking back over his shoulder. His friend had already dashed over to Jane to check up on her.

“She unconscious! We need to get her out!”

“Yeah, after we defeat this thing!” Jade commented, firing a very ineffectual bullet at the massive monster.

“WHY DID IT EVEN HAVE TO BE A TROLL. I CALL THIS FUCKING SPECISM!”

“Are you even really a troll?” Kanaya asked, swiping her hand through a card bearing the mark of the high priestess to summon a sylph. She casted wind and light spells at Jane’s shadow but it didn’t even make her flinch. Instead, she commanded the winds to support the rest of her team.

“WELL I AM NOW DAMNIT!” Karkat growled, sending Gargoyle to attack the eyes of the giant troll. His persona was barely the size of its iris but she definitely felt the attack. The shadow took a step backwards and made a deafening cry in pain, blindly swatting at Karkat’s guardian.

“I think you got her!” Dave shouted.

“NO, DON’T YOU FUCKING SAY THAT YOU IDI---“

The shadow directed its remaining eye firmly at the office before firing a multi-colored laser from it. Everything seemed to evaporate amidst the blinding light. The desks turned to ash, the remaining windows shattered and the floor gave way.

While his friends fell to the previous floor however, John remained hovering in the air. The shadow roared furiously as he adjusted his blue hoodie and called forth a card with the mark of the fool.

“Persona!”

John wasn’t sure how or why he had been given that particular persona. It seemed impossible for it to exist the same way two-headed hounds like Orthrus or witches like Kassandra existed. He wasn’t even sure what name to give his persona.

Because the persona was him.

His blue clothes became elaborate blue pajamas but he remained himself, be in with extraordinary wind based magic. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and directed his hand towards the screeching shadow.

“Panta Rhei.”

* * *

 

“So how is Jane?” Kanaya asked.

The majority of the group was hanging out In the waiting room while John and Feferi visited their relative. It had become a routine to them. When John first arrived in Skaia he discovered the uncanny ability to enter a parallel world through the television. Through a very clumsy accident, he accidentally dragged his closest friends along with him. Dave was the first to encounter his shadow. He was confronted with how uncool he really was and how he used his irony as a mask throughout everyday life. Rose thought it was amusing at first but then the shadow changed into a deadly black knight with black wings and a blade jammed through his torso.

The moment Dave accepted his shadow was the moment Rose’s appeared. John remembered the shadow saying how Rose was actively TRYING to push people away to avoid being mocked for who she really was. Unfortunately she denied that being the case and saw her shadow transform into a grotesque creature, emitting an ethereal cold. Above the waist she was an attractive blonde woman though her face lacked features (save for her lips). Below the waist, she was a giant octopus. When Rose finally accepted her shadow, John was determined to not let Rose push people away anymore and became close friends with her.

Rose and Dave recovered fairly quickly, the former saying the latter was too stubborn to go the hospital despite desperately needing medical aid herself. Then again, they had the benefit of being the only members in their group nót landing in the tv-world as result of a traumatic kidnapping.

Nepeta was the first to be kidnapped by their yet unknown assailant. She had been featured prominently in the news for her work at the local animal shelter. She was found dead, hanging upside down from a telephone pole three days later. John had not immediately put one and two together until he returned to the tv-world and met a sentient crab costume that went by the name of Karkat, who complained about people entering his place whenever they damn well pleased.

Not long after Nepeta’s death, Jade arrived in Skaia to give a lecture as the youngest nuclear physicist ever. Like John, she was supposed to stay with Jane and her Dad but before she even had the chance to give her first lecture, she too disappeared into the tv-world. When John convinced Dave and Rose to help him get her back they found her cosplaying as a troll amidst a haunted wood, talking to her own shadow. Strangely enough, it wore a pretty yellow dress. The shadow was crying and wailing about being lonely and never wanting to return to her island but Jade wouldn’t listen. As a matter of fact, she tried to slap some sense into it.  
It turned into a horrifying amalgamation. Part robot, part scarecrow, part hound. John was pretty thankful when Dave set fire to it.

Things seemed to calm down after that but a month later a friend of Dave’s disappeared after giving an interview about her ambition to take the bar-exam. He wanted to rush in the court-themed world but Karkat managed to calm him down, explaining how the real world weather effected the tv-realm. With Jade’s help they reached the top floor within a week.  
Terezi’s confrontation with her shadow revealed a lot about her and her abusive ex but Terezi didn’t deny her shadow. Much to everyone’s surprise she accepted it and saw it turn into Raguil. Karkat however, was not convinced. John wasn’t sure how a crabsuit could create an ego and thus a shadow but it did. It talked about Karkat’s longing to be human, troll or anything capable of entering the real world just so he wouldn’t have to be alone anymore.  
The fight with the monstrously haunted crabsuit was particularly memorable but when Karkat accepted his desires it became Gargoyle and the proof he needed that he could become more then a crabsuit.

To this day, no one is exactly sure how Karkat became an actual troll.

The fourth kidnap victim was Kanaya, who had been making the headlines as an incredibly skilled tailor and designer. Her presence had turned the entire tv-world into a desert. Traversing the sand was very different from climbing an elaborately themed tower but by the final oasis they found the troll and her shadow.  
Through her true self the group learned that Kanaya was a monosexual, which is typically frowned upon in troll culture. If Terezi was shocked to learn it however, she didn’t show it. Kanaya however, was less than pleased with her shadow and saw it turn into a giant moth-like monster, constantly screeching and birthing larvae.  
Again, John was thankful when Dave chose to burn it with fire.

After the shadow turned into Sylph, Rose showed an interest in the troll. John wasn’t entirely sure whether or not it was romantic but he knew Karkat and Terezi were taking bets.

At that point, John and his friends thought they had a handle on the situation. Whoever was behind the attempted murders targeted troll women who had been on television.

Unfortunately for them however, the next murder threw them for a loop. Horuss Zahhak had been murdered and hung from a tv-antenna. His murder turned out to be one of jealousy however and one Terezi quickly deduced was the work of a copycat rather than the person they were looking for.

The midnight crew, a dangerous mob running Skaia from behind the scenes got arrested a month after rescuing Kanaya. The adopted troll daughter of one of the front men briefly appeared in a newscast about the arrest and appeared on the midnight channel the night after that. Terezi recognized her as Aradia.  
The tv-world had grown a realm of tombstones, graves and mausoleums where Aradia should be residing. She seemed incredibly mellow and stoic towards her shadow self but the shadow assured the party that it was an act. That she was bursting at the seams to be the happy, cheerful troll she knew she could be.

Aradia’s shadow turned into a still rotting Gashadokuro, or giant enemy skeleton. Not even Dave had a witty reply for that. Only plenty of swears for the immense challenge the undead giant provided. If not for Kanaya’s healing proficiency, they probably wouldn’t have made it out alive. It turned into the persona Hecate, a woman with three faces and six arms, carrying all sorts of objects from which she could conjure spells.  
John and Jade were determined to try and help her be as happy as she wanted to be but Aradia had a habit of making people uncomfortable.

After all the mysterious kidnappings, Feferi Peixes stood up to make a statement, which turned out to be a horrible mistake. Within a week she disappeared and the group (or Scoobygang as Karkat affectionately called it) made plans to get her out. After discovering a new area in the tv-world that looked like a giant aquarium it was just a matter of finding her. Or so they hoped.  
When Feferi confronted her shadow, something went wrong. It became Cthullu. There wasn’t enough fire in everyone’s spells to stop it but John discovered his own true powers then. He could travel space and time in an instant and prevent Cthullu from ever being released out of Feferi’s shadow. Instead, it became the persona Othuum.

“Jane will be fine.” Feferi told the group with a smile.”But that was REELLY close.”

“Not our fault the mist set in so quickly.” Jade grumbled.

“YOU KNOW THIS MESS WOULD ALL BE OVER THE MOMENT YOU FINALLY FIGURE OUT WHO’SE BEHIND THIS SHIT RIGHT?” Karkat commented.

“By all means, feel free to assist us in the matter.” Kanaya rolled her eyes.

“I thought the Batterwitch was involved.” John grumbled.”But she was out on that tour through her European factories when Jane got thrown in the tv. Maybe she had someone do it for her?”

“And I am telling you she wouldn’t do that to me or Jane.” Feferi interjected.”She didn’t groom us as heiresses just to kill us off now.”

“Dave, what are your thoughts on the matter?” Terezi cackled, sitting closer to the resident coolkid.

“Thoughts?” Dave sputtered quickly.”Why would I have any of those?”

“Daaaaaave!!!!”  
“Alright so I’m thinking. Sue me.”  
“Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavveeee!!!!”

“Yes I had some thoughts on the matter.” he admitted.”But you won’t like them.”

Aradia smiled. “Now I am curious.”

“Can the victims stand next to each other in chronological order?”

The girls formed a neat line. Jade, Terezi, Kanaya, Aradia and Feferi. John wasn’t entirely sure what he was looking at. Rose seemed to share his sentiment.

“Dave, what was your big plan here?”

“That depends Watson. What did Nepeta look like exactly?” Everyone in the room groaned for Dave’s lack of attention.”I’m serious.”

“Kinda short and cute…. Always wore a hat…. Big eyes…. Surprisingly strong.”  
“No boobs.”  
“Feferi!”  
“It’s true!”

“Right.” Dave continued.”So after that we have Jade. Kidnapped while wearing a troll cosplay I might add, make sure that’s on the list. As you all see, short slim girl but at least she has some boob going for her.”

“Rude!”

“Next to her Terezi and, promise you won’t hit me….”

“I’ll make no such promise.” Terezi grinned dangerously.

“Right….” Dave coughed.”So she’s kinda flat—“ he dodged a swing of her cane, “but Vantas agrees when I say: dat ass.”  
“WHY INVOLVE M----“ Terezi’s cane landed on his head with a loud thuck.

“I can’t believe I am hearing this…..” Rose sighed exasperated.

“Next is Kanaya who got them curves that would make Chris Rock go DAMN!”

“Thanks?”

“Aradia got the curves as well but is a bit more…..”

She flashed him a threatening smile. Dave could feel his life was in imminent danger.

“….more. And Feferi is just chubby and—“

“RUDE!!!”

“Right? And then there’s Jane who—“

“Dude, that’s my cousin.”

“Just saying bro.”

“I can’t comprehend this…..” Kanaya groaned.”You are saying that whoever is kidnapping troll girls, is doing so on a literally bigger scale each time. Are we really buying that?”

“Geesh, sorry I suggested it.” Dave sat down next to a disapproving Karkat.”I haven’t heard you guys come up with anything yet.”

* * *

 

Meanwhile, at an undisclosed location.

Vriska Serket finds herself gagged and tied to a chair. She tried to figure out where she had been taken but the only things she recognized were a chessboard (occupied only by horses), an entirely green décor, a massive grandfather clock and a bowl of licorice scotty dogs.

In front of her sat a man in a white suit, with an equally white cue ball for a head.

“I am certain you have a lot of questions Vriska, as I have plenty for you.”

Vriska growled and tried threatening the man but she couldn’t make any noise through her gag.

“Why did a troll with your talents go to Skaia? How did you manage to lose so many boondollars gambling? How did you maintain such a magnificent girth while being completely broke?”

Vriska was furiously growling now and almost lost her balance, falling and taking the chair with her. The cue balled gentleman however made sure she remained seated.

“I have been looking a long time for you Vriska. So many trolls I’ve seen and so many that simply were not the ones I looked for. But you? You are so beautifully large I can barely contain my enthusiasm. I had prepared rings for the occasion but I don’t think this one fits around as much as your pinky. Truly, you are the perfect specimen.”

She wanted to tell him how insane he was. She also wanted him to bash his own brains in but her manipulation was failing.

The man removed the cue ball, revealing an orange skinned human with large white eyes, brown hair and large lips.

“I finally found my perfect bride.”

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a thing. The twist is that Andrew Hussie is actually a godlike being, toying with humanity and trollkind alike. Like we didn't already know.
> 
> John is his own persona, dislodged from time/space. Dave actually has an Arthurian persona called Lionheart [King Arthur Lionheart=Knights or whatever]but I thought this was more fun. Rose has Kassandra, a seer from ancient Greece, cursed by the gods to be believed by no one. Orthus's heads are Jadesprite and Bec. It is horrifying. Raguil is the angel of justice. Karkat gets Gargoyle because it seems ideal for him: it can't bleed. I was very tempted to give him Banshee though. Kanaya has Sylph because duh. Hecate is the goddess of crossroads and death and Othuum is a creature from the Cthullu mythos, which seemed appropriate.
> 
> Panta Rhei is the ultimate windspell, for those not in the know. 
> 
> Written for Don-Brainhook
> 
> First entry in the milestone giveaway extravaganza. Check out my tumblr for more [shenanigans](anon--h.tumblr.com).


End file.
